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Vedran Skocen (dr monkey)
THE DAY THEY SAID I WAS DEAF AGAIN (P.S. I LIKE YOU AGAIN)
Motherfucker! Damn! Im so not myself. So far from myself at the moment. Gonna take a shower. And lie down for a bit.. or a bit more. Yeh, hellava bit more. Woke up this morning and the whole idea Ive been building the whole week has gone. Vanished. I even talked to her on the balcony. Bout how no one can get me hardware or software. Can u believe it? Talkin to HER about that?! Its confirmed. I had to be clinically insane. And not a word from ma mates. What the hell are they thinking? Man what da fak is goin on again?
Yesterday was .. different. Talked to people bout my struggle.. bout who I am claiming I cant pretend no more.. and today. Im pretending again. Fak! I could brake somethin!
What are the mechanisms that support this kind of metamorphosis of my being? It has to be some electro cyber stuff. How can u wake up as a different person? Feel so stupid. What am I gonna tell to my friends? Oh, hi redd. Well, listen. Im so not myself right now. Dunno what happened. Feel like Im lyin to myself actually.
Man déjà vu striked me.. Like Ive been writing this same story sometimes before. And stopped on the very same spot. With a thought in ma mind: this crap wont be published anywhere.
Ok. Lets put it differently: Hello. I woke up today as a person who lives with his parents, doesn’t want to go to college and is takin the life as it is not minding at all the fact it looks like poo.
Like all our talks have been a product of my imagination and simply.. ive imagined the whole deal.
So, Im a writer again. Will u please stop playin with my mind already?!! Worthless sentence. I can scream how much I like and no one will act.
Feel like im seventeen! Its not a good feeling. Coz when I was seventeen I didn’t have a slightest clue about me being who I really am jus like now. Cant live like this. WHY AM I DENIEING MYSELF?
Come on, please don’t do this to me. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!!! How am I suppose to show my face in the public being.. this?! What da fak am I? Kiddo with problems? Fuck you! All of the sudden the idea of cyber communication is a forbidden thought for me. And I have the internet connection, I have my e.mail addresses I HAD a cell phone! What da fak? Man what da fak?!
Imagined the whole deal. Simply imagined the whole deal. Ha ha ha ha ha! Its fakin funny. Im deaf again. Deaf. Cant hear you. Sorry, I cant hear you today, today Im deaf.
So I called Stella and told her bunch of foolish things like: Ma mums washing windows too, and shit. The stoopidest thing is that I actually don’t feel bad at all. Coz we the people from Yugoslavia (1945.-1990.).. the majority of us was actually deaf in our lives. The problem is that if ure deaf in 2004th then.. u are sick. Ill. Cant really understand bunch of things including whats goin on around me, whats around me. Around me, about me. Get it?
/11/2004 2:15 PM [poglavlje: SVASTARNIK BUDALAJZER}
Gadno mi je zivjeti u kolicima. PRvo. Nemam curu. To mi uzasno fail. Ne, nije jedna bas ta cura nego opcenito cura. Djevojka, mlada dam.a.
Sad, da I imam curu. Jan e mogu izlaziti van. Ja uopce ne mogu izlaziti van vec sam stalno zatvoren u kucu I to me uzasno zivcira s vremena na vrijem.e. Ne, nije mi dosadno, nego je grozan osjecaj biti stalno zatvoren u kucu I jos k tome zivjeti sa roditeljima kaoo sto su moji. Sto god mi vi rekli o zivotu invalida na selu u Hrvatskoj, ja se ne namjeravam sa time pomiriti. JA ZASLUZUJEM VISE!
Imam 24 godine. Punker sam. Zelim krasti po ducanima, zajebavati se sa murijom, bauljati po gradu, odlaziti na tulume. Nemojte mi reci da to nije moguce. Naravno da je moguce. Kada bih ja bio toliko slobodan da odem na mjesto koje zelim kad mi to pukne. Jednostavno… zamislimo idealno… Probudim se, doruckujem, operem zube I sve te obicne stvari. I onda… se liftom spustim u haustor I izadem van
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